Recently I posted to my FB status the following remark, "Daily paradox - Savoring every day and wishing I could fast forward a year. I am managing to reconcile the dissonance in my mind." My post drew a friend's curiosity. He wrote to me with the question, "OK, I'll bite, what are you looking forward to in a year." I replied, "One word - remission." The answer was a reference to my wife's cancer and the journey we're on in order for her to be in remission; the first step to a cure.
I find that there are many paradoxical aspects to the situation Mary and I find ourselves in. Here are some examples of what I mean:
- Mary is one of the healthiest people I knew - and now she is also one of the sickest
- Mary had very low risk factors for her disease, and did regular screenings - and yet her cancer was so fast growing that it managed to grow large in between her regular annual screening
- Mary has so much energy and life in her and she'll need to apply that to save herself
- The treatment for cancer is also deadly. It's a balancing act between trying to kill the cancer cells without also killing the patient.
I'm sure one can find themselves torn apart by these paradoxes and the conflicts that this dreadful disease presents. But that is a useless mental outcome. In order to reconcile the dissonance that opposing thoughts causes in the mind, I find I need to center myself on a positive balance. Here's what I mean.
Go back to my initial paradox posted on my Facebook Status today, 12/12. Daily paradox - Savoring every day and wishing I could fast forward a year. I said this because on the one hand, when you're life is threatened you appreciate it even more. And yet, I wish we could fast forward in time past the months of chemotherapy and surgery to the day when Mary is in remission and life is more normal. The desire to live in the moment while simultaneously looking to the future is a paradox - a statement that is seemingly contradictory and yet is true. Trying to live with this paradox is stressful. And I wanted to reconcile it in my mind. My conclusion on how to do so is three fold.
First, is the acceptance of paradoxes. That both opposites can be true! Or in this case, that I can both savor the moment and look forward to the future at the same time. It's possible to do both! And one feeling doesn't have to diminish the other.
Second, is the notion that one can find a positive middle. Here is what I mean, staying with the example above. In between savoring the moment and looking forward to a future that is different than the present is the concept of "being hopeful." It is positive to be here and now with a hopeful attitude about the future! I suppose you could say that finding a positive middle is like, to use a familiar expression, finding the silver lining.
This approach helps me to cope with the other paradoxes of Mary's cancer. It's helps me to find the meaning in the paradox, and in the process to take away something positive from an otherwise very stressful and negative situation.
And lastly is the third conclusion. That most of the time it is best to not think about it at all. Most of the time it's better just to find a distraction. Like hanging out with friends, or going horseback riding, or playing guitar, or watching football on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It's time to get back to that last one!!
