Do you overthink holidays? Do holidays evoke feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness or inadequacy?
Holidays that are dedicated to the roles we have in life, such as fathers day, mothers day, valentines day, bring into focus our performance. We make comparisons and hold ourselves or others up to social standards and ideal expectations. We measure ourselves against others. We are reminded that we have to be the "greatest" or the "best ever," because its not enough to be just "OK" or a "not that bad" a dad.
How do we define success and failure when it comes to fatherhood? Are their shades of fatherhood -- in other words, aspects we do good at and others we were poor at. Of course there are. It seems like we can't help feeling on fathers day like we are being scored by ourselves, our wife and our children. All of us know the reality, so there is no place to hide.
The holiday is meant to celebrate and be grateful for fatherhood. So let's start with the basics. Are you a child and are you a parent? Then you qualify! You recieved life and if you have children you gave someone life. Dayenu -- That truly is enough! Period, stop. There is no greater gift. But lets take it another step or two.
Did you love and provide for a child? OMG, that is tremendous!! I did not say how much did you love and provide. Imagine how awful it would be to measure a father based on the value of the house you grew up in!
We all have a father, whether we know them or not. The orphan has a father. A person whose father left or died when we were very young, still was fathered. Can we be grateful for a father who was killed in war even before we were old enough to form a memory of them? Absolutely.
The fact is that none of us are perfect. I know I could have been a better father. And I had to accept my father's performance too. One of the wonderful things about being a grandparent is how it affords us a second chance.
I think the problem with father's day is like a lot of other problems in life. It is how we think about it and the expectations we have and are put on us. You know who is the best one to help us with all of that? The Lord, Hashem, Avinu - our Father in heaven. He is a God of second chances.
"It is to one's glory to overlook an offense" Proverbs 19:11
Ultimately, Father's Day is like any day or every day. It is a day to wake up and thank God for everything. And if we are suffering, to turn to God for help and understanding.
Perhaps one of the best ways to celebrate fathers day is to be a better son, or daughter, and accept our father and love them, regardless of how they measure up, just for the life they gave us. In some respect, I think that is what the 5th Commandment to "Honor our parents" is about. Today is like every other day - it is a day to do mitzvot.
"And he will turn The hearts of the fathers to the children, And the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.” Malachia 4.6
Happy Fathers Day!
